REVIEW: The Bachelor (2011): Week Three - The Cultute of Pop, DVD, Movie, TV, Pop Culture Review

REVIEW: The Bachelor (2011): Week Three

Posted: Sun, 23 Jan 2011 5:33:12 PST

SEASON 15, EPISODE 3

Hi Bachelor brethren...and for a starter, I'm deeply sorry for not being timely with these episode critiques/editorials/commentary love fests. But I'm caught up on all writing assignments for the most part, so I should be checking in with you guys no longer than a few hours to a day after fresh Bachelor episodes air...

Also, there is a very good chance that I will also be offering podcast editions to supplement my writings in the next few weeks as we get down to the most exciting weeks of the show, so I'll keep you posted on those developments.

Now, let's talk Episode 3: As the old saying goes, the third time be it; it's the charm and all that...and truth be told, I think ABC undersold this episode in its promos that ran all week prior...like I stated in my last review for Episode 2, we could get some SHOCKING and DRAMATIC moments in times to come...and brother, they happened..

As we open, Chris is doing the usual disclaimers about what's to happen in days ahead, urging the girls to prepare themselves emotionally, the usual rules, etc.-Then, it's individual date reveal time..and my fave Ashley (as in Ashley with an S) gets the call. Yippee..and a short time later, I'm so damn envious of Bradley...Not because he's with her, but because they're both going inside the Los Angeles musical landmark known as Capital Records (or the Capitol Tower), a building rife with pop culture history.

Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Judy Garland, The Beach Boys and countless others either recorded there, signed contracts within or received gold and platinum albums on site...and unless you have official business, you can't get in the building because of security measures forced due to the 9/11 tragedy...

Thanks, terrorist swines.

So, Brad and Ashley S., I hope you know what a privilege you had...but does the visit stop at walking around the digs? Nope, they get to go into one of the recording studios to record a song they feel defines the friendship and possible love they've developed. Nope, it's not Get Your Tongue Out Of My Mouth Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye, it's Seal's Kiss From A Rose (which was the only good thing to come out of that horrific superhero movie which will go nameless)....

...and since Brad and Ashley have slightly annoying speaking voices, I braced myself for the worst. Good thing I did for it was godawful. Even one of the employees on duty for the shoot/recording session agreed in kind (or not so kind, in this case) on Twitter. Honestly, it made Cameron Diaz's rendition of I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself in My Best Friend's Wedding sound positively Mariah Carey-ian in comparison.

On their way out to prepare for the next phase of their day together, who should they run into via an adjoining studio but very special guest star Seal (!) - How appropriately coincidental and promotional, huh. If I had been Brad, my face would have turned beet red; how could I have butchered his song so badly.

Least he didn't do it in front of Simon Cowell, thank God.

Fortunately, our two potential love birdies had a little bit more luck when dining atop the legendary tower under the stars. Dinnertime takes a serious turn when Ashley expands on the tears she shed earlier while they were recording their duet, for her Dad turned her on to that song. Sadly, he passed away due to a brain aneurysm and this alters the tone of their evening together, but not in a bad way. It's tough to listen to stories like this when you're getting to know someone, but listening is such an invaluable tool in any kind of relationship, particularly when love has a potential to bloom...and Ashley's story and honesty struck a chord in him, thus he rewards her with an early rose as date number one of our show comes to a fairly satisfying conclusion.

Can't say the same for one of the girls pacing around back at the house...Can you guys say Michelle? I knew you could.

Remember the line for the Johnny Rivers song Secret Agent Man that goes, “A pretty face can hide an evil mind”? That's kind of how I feel about our resident bartender turned most annoying bachelorette in the house; I can't believe I picked her as one of my 10 pre-air favorites based on her head shot and bio. Her mood grows worse when the latest date card arrives at the house containing the names of all the girls slated to go on a group outing with Brad come morning time...and surprise, Michelle is not a happy camper having to SHARE him.

Like last week, it's roll 'em (!) time once more as Brad and his camera ready co-stars get set to do some action adventure filming, with explosions, Austin Powers judo chops (!) and all. Most of the results are as cringe worthy as last weeks Red Cross blood drive PSA's, but a couple of the girls really look quite good on camera, namely Chantel (whom I'm starting to have a bit of a crush on) and Shawntel, who looks like she could be a stunt woman herself with really realistic leg work. Unfortunately (to me), Brad picks her instead. But hey, at least Chantel isn't walking around with a sourpuss face like SOMEONE else we know....What a brat (Michelle)....

So, what does a Bachelor and a caravan of pretty ladies do to wind down after a grueling day on a movie set? Jump in a swimming pool and just go mad happy! – Man, I wasn't complaining when some of our beauties stripped down to their skivvies, especially Chantal whom Brad was smart enough to single out for a little quality time (atta' boy, Brad; you're getting smarter)...but bless his and her hearts; it's yet another tragic confessional as she talks about the birth dad she never had a chance to meet, which makes her even more attractive to me....and if I were Brad, I wouldn't have gotten intimate with anyone else that eve. But nope, even after telling Chantal how beautiful she was, puffy eyes and all, he's like a kid sampling a Whitman's Sampler box of chocolates, with Alli coming next... 

What seems like mere seconds pass before their little schmooze fest is interrupted by...Chris Harrison in drag...just kidding; wanted to see if you guys were still paying attention.-Nope, it's Michelle (surprise! Yeah, right) looking like a cross between Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female (be afraid Alli; be VERY afraid). But Brad handles the situation nicely; gives her a little lovin'; just enough to get rid of her! Then, in a bit of a disappointing move, gives the next early rose to Shawntel, who is very cool and the kind of person I'd love to have as a friend, but I'm just not feeling any “stops me in my tracks” grooves for her. 

Like Jekyll and Hyde, Brad suddenly goes from dumb back to smart again as he gets ready to escort another one of my faves for a day of fun and frolic: The impossibly beautiful and sweeter than sweet Emily (who has a Kristin Chenoweth thing going on with her voice that's a real turn on).

From the start of this date where they're ripping up the highway in that awesome vintage yellow car to an intimate night of talking in a barn, this is the kind of all day deal I'd like to have. Not surprisingly given her back story, she's very shy at first and going thru inner turmoil as she boards that plane (a similar one to the kind that crashed and took her fiancee's life) and even more so as she ponders how in the world is she gonna tell Brad all this?

But when evening time comes, she slowly and courageously lays out her soul to Brad, who's listening very intently and much to Emily's relief, is not freaked out about it all...Well, not too much...but I did wince a bit when she asked him something along the lines of how he felt things were going..and then Brad suddenly going into pep squad mode exclaiming, “I'm feeling great!”-Not the kind of line I would have said after such an emotionally wrenching story...I most likely would have been in tears, which is why Bachelor producer Mike Fleiss won't be calling me any time soon.

Maybe The Young and The Restless might...

 As Brad and Emily's sweet night out winds up, our first shocking moment of the evening arrives. Madison, the now infamous fang bearing blonde who's been the talk of every Bachelor board, blog, in person conversations and more is bursting into tears following a rather articulate and touching conversation about love. It's a very heart rendering moment for many a viewer and one that should make us all want to reach within the surface of every person we get to know; what they might be hiding behind and why disabling those barriers could be very emotionally cleansing in the end.

The next night brings another evening of decision making as Brad has one last chance to talk to as many girls as possible. Alli and Chantal are the lucky ones out of the gate, but his rather frisky repartee with the latter (including a rather observant Brad saying “I felt I let you down, earlier”) is thwarted once again by the villain who has it all except a mustache to twirl, Michelle.

At this very moment, I wish Brad wasn't so damn tone deaf so he could break into song a la Glee and warble the Lesley Gore classic “You Don't Own Me” to her...and then I think back to earlier in the program and I go, please don't...(By the way, Google or Bing that song, and see if the lyrics echoes our feelings about Michelle to a T).

But Brad continues to be clueless about her manipulative ways..and just before anybody else can get their stilettos and pumps in the door, Christopher H. comes a tappin' that wine glass. Cue the dramatic cutting shots...Roses...tight faces....Brad's scruffy face..a surprise Natalie Portman guest appearance wearing her Golden Globes dress (hey, I'm kidding about the latter, but she could have been a guest rose tonight wearing that thing, right?)...

Anyway, I digress...and yet again, Brad gives us another couple of WTF moments by picking girls who look either like extras or girls just hauled off the street (Hey gals, you want a chance with a good 'ol Texas boy?)...Inane, man; inane....But not halfway thru the ceremony comes the big moment from last week's teaser...and as some of us suspected by her behavior earlier, Madison wants to bail because she feels while she's looking for love, some of the girls remaining need love.

It's an unselfish, noble gesture and a moment which will now rank with one of the most shocking, yet touching moments in this show's history...and you can't help feel for Madison as she ponders waking up the next day and wondering if she made a mistake....No, Madison. We made the mistake in pre-judging you before we had a chance to know something we didn't suspect you possessed. A heart and a generous, kind soul. We wish you beyond well.

With Madison's departure, only two girls would face elimination: Kimberly, although very friendly and polite, never really clicked with me, and the very sweet and pretty Sarah P. whom Brad should have given more time to; she was a potential dark horse to me...and I suspect her phone lines and e-mail accounts are buzzing now; she's gonna be a terrific catch for some lucky guy out there.

Well, writing this overview was almost as draining as experiencing it in real time...But at least I have some down time to recover in time to prepare for Week 4 which seems to feature the lovely Chantilly more often along with a visit from everybody's favorite anaylist, Dr. Drew (whom I send out speedy recovery wishes to as he battles a nasty virus of some sort; hopefully nothing serious).

Thanks for reading and check out my thoughts on American Idol's season thus far as well as all sorts of interesting, eclectic articles on this site...and may your life be “shocking” and “dramatic” free..

-J.R.

Jeffrey Rosado is a pop culture historian, writer, performer, and all around nice guy...until the trashy girls on his fave reality shows prosper while his favorites wilt away..

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