TV REVIEW: The Bachelor (1-24-11) - The Cultute of Pop, DVD, Movie, TV, Pop Culture Review

TV REVIEW: The Bachelor (1-24-11)

Posted: Tue, 25 Jan 2011 0:23:11 PST

SEASON 15, EPISODE 4

Can you believe it guys and gals? Yes...unbelievably, we're already one month into Bachelormania 2011..hmm, seems just like yesterday when Bradley got slapped by Chantal, doesn't it? (Ah, memories...cue the slow motion montage orchestra). But with all the ”lovin', touchin', squeezin'” (and lest I forget, kissin', ooh-la-la) going 'round, I suspect the sting has gone out of Mr. Womack's cheek.

So on with it...let's get started with a bang! But not the kind of bang that gives one a black eye, right?

Speaking of which, oh, woe is Michelle as our adventures begin this week....or is that some bonus mascara she just happened to have along to create (cavernous echo effect) DRAMA-MA-MA-MA-MA! - Hey kids, those of you who do your Bachelorology studies in your spare time at work or home know this sneaky snake of a slither is an actress...which involves, uh, make up, cameras, lights, horny casting directors (oh, I better not go there....just kidding, Michelle...really, I am; please don't hurt me or my little bunny rabbit Wuzzy....please?)

Okay, perhaps I'm going over the top like she; there could be a reasonable, logical, perhaps medically related explanation for all this...like she slept too hard on that side of her face, or she got an insect bite from a bed bug or an allergic reaction....and then the sarcastic side of my mind goes, yeah, right...and Michael Jackson's skin tone was altered by a disease that made even the brainiest of physicians go, huh?

But worry not my little chickadees, for Bachelor guru Christopher B. Harrison has the answers on this mystery in his regular Entertainment Weekly blog which I will post a magical word for you to click upon at the end of this novel, er, review.

Speaking of Mr. H., he helps segue into our first one on one getaway of the week which goes to the girl I've been (momentary pause and sigh) developing feelings for since last week, Lady O herself, the lovely Chantal (who has the best smile in the house if you ask me). Brad arrives to whisk her off for a day that will reach as high as the sky above...literally via helicopter as they fly toward a ship harbor where they couple together for an oh so romantic afternoon of.....underwater exploration?

Geez Brad, couldn't you have taken her out for some burgers, fries and a shake instead? Oversized tank helmets and bulky talking apparatuses don't exactly cry intimate conversation, you know.

Still, Chantal looks really...okay, hot in her form fitting scuba gear and it's a nice change of pace from the usual opening half of day long dates. But darn if I couldn't get images of the old Lloyd Bridges show Sea Hunt out of my mind along with the silliness of a voice-over thought that came into my head that went something like, “Tonight's episode partially directed by James Cameron”!

Happy for me and my more personally inclined fellow viewers, the night time period of the date proved much more satisfying. Secluded on a quiet slice of beach, Brad and Chantal talk frankly about her divorce, but it kinda gets off to awkward start with him going forcefully, “Do you wanna get married again?”-It reads differently on paper, but to me? I'm going, Damn, Brad; what, are you asking her right now? Sometimes, it sounds like he's trying to act things out in a movie...and in a way, this whole Bachelor deal is like a pseudo documentary, so perhaps it's hard to be completely loose, but while Brad seems to me to be a pretty nice guy (for now, until the obligatory US magazine expose comes out if things don't go right in the end), he's certainly not the most relaxed or seemingly natural like Jake or my all time fave, Bob Guiney.

Anyway, once they get the serious out, we see the playful side of Chantal once she starts giving Brad the business about giving that infamous slap across the face; the laugh, then proceed to get more intimate with some seriously slow and soft kissing. Not even Mother Nature's raindrops can stop the momentum as the proceed into a oh, how convenient nearby tent where they proceed to continue their cuddle 'n' kiss marathon into the night with quite a frisky exchange as we leave them be:

Chantal: Thank you God, for the rain...

Brad: No kidding.

PERSONAL INTERLUDE:

Jeff (softly) Chantal? If it doesn't work out with Brad, I have a tent, too. Just saying, darling.

WE NOW CONTINUE WITH TCOP'S BACHELOR RECAP...

Morning time arrives with Michelle looking just as whiny as when we left her last, but only this time, she's teary eyed. Wowee, an emotion I didn't think she was capable of. She tries to discuss her fears to an understanding Emily, but it turns out to be an oh, so stimulating conversation with very little depth ending almost as quickly as it started.

No sympathy from me, kid. But didn't Emily just glow in the daylight of the California sun?

Group date time arrives with our lucky contest winners Ashley S., Stacey, Lindsay, Britt, Meghan, Alli, Lisa, Ashley H., and Jackie, all giddy and boarding the magical bachelor vans headed toward a mystery location. Next stop: Legendary FM radio station KROQ, home of the long running call-in show Loveline featuring everybody's favorite therapist, Dr. Drew Pinsky and Psycho Mike (who's great, but God, I still miss the wonderful Adam Carolla).

Prior to the interview, Brad expresses to the hosts what he's hoping to accomplish via this broadcast..not for the novelty of being on the radio, but to get inside the heads of these girls; what makes them tick, a search for honesty...and of course, how loose their lips will get after consuming some special beverages before entering the booth (does Loveline treat all their guests this way? “Verrrrry innnnnnnteresting” as Artie Johnson's German soldier used to remark on “Laugh-In”).

First card laid on the table? Cheating, a no-no that's apparently very important to Brad, along with honesty (that is, if you discount a guy leaving two girls at the alter 4 years ago who gave their heart to him, but hey...in the past, babe...it's all good). Amazingly after being prompted, only Stacey was honest enough to raise her hand when prompted by Dr. Drew asked the ladies if they'd ever been unfaithful.

Now, I know we have a reasonably, almost above average batch of good, sweet girls on the show this year, for the most part, issues and what have you....But I find it awwwwfull hard to believe that the remainder of these bountiful beauties don't possess a little love 'em, leave 'em in 'em. Nonetheless, another “hmmm” moment on this already excellent installment.

But the sweetest, cutest moment of this “date” or phase of it, had to be when Britt took to the mike and really opened herself up to Brad, politely but firmly expressing her disappointment at not getting enough one on one time with him. Adding to the effectiveness of this fear was a nervous, shy streak that made her simply irresistible, and I'm sure I'm not the only one in the male demographic to feel that way; it was beyond cute...and to Brad's credit, he didn't disappoint her, but let's not get too ahead of ourselves, here...for it's.....

HOT TUB, BIKINIS AND BEVERAGE TIME; WOO HOO!-SPLASH!!!!!!

Yep, time to bring out the two pieces, swimming trunks and filled to the rim wine glasses for some serious partying (because sitting in comfy chairs and talking into radio mikes is sooooo doggone tiring). Brad barely has time to take his robe off and talk to Ashley H. before he's accosted by Stacey, Alli and then Ashley S.

Now, I'm sure the course of the events noted in that last paragraph took more than a minute, but I swear...all four of those girls....in a sequence that couldn't have totaled sixty seconds:

PERSONAL INTERLUDE, PART 2

Jeff: (yelling) Paging Mike Fleiss! How do I get on this smorgasbord, sir?

TCOP'S' BACHELOR RECAP CONTINUES...

And if that ain't enough to get a guy's ticker (and then some) into maximum overdrive, along comes comely Britt looking beyond fetching, but still so cutely, adorably shy...and Brad makes up for lost time with some quiet chat that frees her mind and her lips, segueing into some seriously hot, slow, sensual kissing. But tell the firemen they're not needed and to go back and play with their spotted mascot doggie. For who should appear out of the shadows but....hey, its not Michelle this time, but Ashley H. with a belly full o' wine and the lack of civility that goes along with it.

In short, she's almost sloppy ass drunk.

Awkward be the word as Britt leaves with such class, leaving Brad to deal with a heck of an unwanted mess to dig himself out of. Ashley H. suddenly appears to have switched brains with Michelle, suddenly playing the jealousy card by making Brad feel bad, saying she's gonna hang back as his other dalliances carry on.

In a way, I see where she's coming from, for if I were on this show, I'd find it very difficult to intimately kiss more than a couple or three girls...and even then, I'd be tortured with guilt especially since these shows are shot over a matter of a couple of weeks, and stretched out like they are to us at home. But given Brad's way of sampling every girl he can get to, Ashley H. should accept the nature of the cards she's being given. Besides, she's been on a couple of group dates and had a great one on one that Brad hasn't forgotten...presenting herself in this light isn't doing her any favors.

However, the night isn't totally lost as Brad crowns Britt with a well deserved rose and another kiss, thankfully uninterrupted (speaking of which, if a girl had barged in while I had the kind of moment he was having with her? Let's just say it would have been a reaction for the ages (and killer advance viral previews...and oh, it would have been “shocking” and “dramatic” without question).

Sunrise brings another day, and a hap-hap-happy one for moody Michelle who FINALLY gets her one on one invite from Brad (as if all the time she's selfishly stolen him during conversations with other girls hasn't added up the the equivalent of a one on one for them already). Hold the limo for a bit, as Brad needs to talk with Ashley H., who thankfully has slept it off. A much needed, and satisfying “we cool” stretch of talk follows leaving them (and us) quite pleased that they're back on good terms...hopefully, but we won't know until rose ceremony time, will we?

But while this conversation wraps, Michelle is frowny wowny....AGAIN! Not even the verge of a day she's dreamed of for days can keep her satisfied for more than a minute as she whines about Brad taking too long talking to Ashley H., adding that it's taking up time she could be spending with him. Before we can start hurling insults and perhaps inanimate objects at our screens, Chantal becomes our official spokesperson, calling her out in an admirable, ladylike way on how she's behaved in recent days on group dates and such. All Michelle can offer in defense is it was due to a “moral” issue.

Let me put my response to that like this: I'm glad she's not a lawyer or she'd lose every case she'd get.

Liftoff! We have Brad and Michelle liftoff for the love of God. So, are you happy now, Michelle? Away from what's standing in your way of the pursuit of Brad-nee-ness? Hell, the way you dragged him out of the Bachelorette house like a long time married couple, you're already halfway home. As Paula Abdul would say, “It's your time to shiiiiinnne.”

Sorry if I'm going all Charlie Brown here, but hey, you guys “know sarcasm when you hear it”, right?

But my mischievous little mind wasn't done yet at this point, kiddies...for when Brad presented his date scenario to Michelle in the form of scaling a tall building from rooftop to the ground below, I'm going, “Drop her, Brad! It's a red herring moment! It'll be like a Hitchcock movie!” Most certainly the MOST DRAMATIC DATE EV-AHH – HA!-HA!-HA!-HA!-HA!-HA!-HA!-HA!

Oh, to have been out there in Vincent Price garb to say, “So you're scared now little girl, hmm?” Man, I would have countered Brad's promises of not to let her go extolling, “Sylvester Stallone said that too in Cliffhanger before the cable broke and led an innocent girl TO HER END; BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!”

Mercy....I'm even scaring myself, here.

Okay, I hope you guys know I'm just having fun, here (and throughout these reviews/overviews). I wouldn't wish bad on anyone on this show, either in front of or behind the camera. Truth be told though, I sincerely hope Michelle isn't as bad as the story editors are presenting her to be.

However, judging from the next segment of the program after Brad and she arrived back to the ground below (thankfully, safe and sound so the hisses could recommence), I have to wonder about a woman who continues to be so self involved that she quickly changes the subject about her daughter to take pot shots at her housemates yet again. Worse, Brad offers her an early pass with a pre-ceremony rose; a designation even the least visible/cutting room floor bachelorette deserved more.

That in mind, back to the girl's pad for some last minute campaigning, er, schmoozing beginneth.

Once again, Brad's bizarre Jekyll/Hyde persona (to me, at least) reemerges again playing Mr. Nice Guy as he gives the girls that didn't have quality time with him a chance to talk. (All together now, awwwwww). But it is nice. Shawntel and Meghan are among the ones who grab their chance for undivided attention (surprisingly uninterrupted, for once). Comfortability seems accomplished, but here goes Brad taking another 180, surprising Emily with an impromptu picnicky date in the back yard.

Need I say Em wasn't the only one surprised?

While our Kristin Chenoweth look and sound alike takes full advantage of this golden opportunity (albeit in a classy way), some of the girls are a little panic stricken...but what kills me is that even an already safe Chantal is bawling. Sure, I can understand your fears with all the beautiful girls still in contention, but realize that you had a truly special evening with him, and the best date of the evening in my eyes...one I certainly wouldn't forget.

Okay, you slightly frightened me with your talk of fantasizing about your name being Mrs. Chantal Womack a little too early for my taste, but in comparison to Michelle, you're a living doll. Have faith and be confident of what you've accomplished. There's many a rah-rah-Team Chantal rooting for you, myself included. But doggone if you still don't look pretty when you cry.

So...goodbye time begins...a process that's gonna get tougher for Brad and the rest of us in weeks ahead; despite issues here and there, once again I can't help but be so impressed with this group of ladies; perhaps the most beautiful in the history of the program...but (sigh)....

We say fare thee well to:

Meghan-A truly sweet girl who remind me of a prettier, taller and sexier Neve Campbell. Bonus points for her confidence and head held high as she departs.

Stacey-One of my top 10 picks for the season, I was crushed to see her go, but she never really did get enough camera time, much less needed attention from Brad. But like Meghan, she strutted out the door back to reality in style...and I'm sure she's gonna be more than the center of attention at her bartender gig nowadays.

Lindsay-A gorgeous redhead with a warm smile and tender eyes, she too suffered the disadvantages of little to no camera time...and just when I thought we'd get through weekly departures sans tears, she lost it...but for the noble reason of realizing her father would be proud of the way she conducted herself.

Complete agreement, Lindsay.....and nothing but sincere best wishes for Stacey, Meghan and you. Three class acts.

Safe for another week: Alli, Ashley H. (whom I would've traded for Stacey), Ashley S., Britt, Chantal, Emily, Jackie (whom I would've traded for Meghan), Lisa, Melissa, Michelle (grrrr), and Shawntel...

Next Week: Viva Las Vegas! (thankyouverymuchladiesandgentlemen)-Impromptu stage show wackiness, more moody Michelle and car racing (way to be sensitive to Emily, show runners).

Until then my Bachleor brethren......and bookmark this here site for American Idol recaps and more pop culture stuff...

-J.R.

Jeffrey Rosado is a pop culture historian, writer, performer and all around nice guy...until a girl he's been dating for less than a week starts pondering, Mrs. Jeffrey Rosado....HELP!

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