Rosado's Recaps: The Bachelor - The Cultute of Pop, DVD, Movie, TV, Pop Culture Review

Rosado's Recaps: The Bachelor

Posted: Tue, 1 Feb 2011 0:12:49 PST

SEASON 15, EPISODE 5

Welcome again, my Bachelor brothers and sisters for another week in the life of Brad Womack (in color!) as the “most controversial season” EVER continues (unless Jason and Molly split up and Mesnick returns with his crying jags...I wonder if he's related to House Speaker John Boehner?)...

It's the morning after the loss of another three bachelorettes, and everybody's waking up as usual, morning faces on, and nowhere ready for their close up. But our lovable host Chris Harrison looks like he's ready not only ready for a tight shot, but also decked out to play a couple of round of golf (wonder if he does?)...and like Johnny Carson used to do back in the day, he's got “some good news and bad news” (Uh, oh)...

First the bad news....The usual group date, only one on one date...and the dreaded two-on-one date (cue the Ugh, Oooo, and Boo cutaway shots)....and now the good news....Michelle's being kicked off for an all expense paid stint on WIPEOUT! Just kidding (but don't you anti-Team Michelle just wish for something like that?)

'K, here's the really good news: It's time to vacate the bachelorette pad forever because it travel time for the duration of the season! First stop: (Viva) Las Vegas!

Cut to a neat little travelogue piece filmed on appears to be low tech flip cams, but with a cool home video quality. Heck, even moody Michelle looks like she's taken off her game face and is actually appealing in this light...for now, for you know the claws are coming back out along with the moon.

Alli and Chantal O. look especially giddy; the latter's eager to follow up on her momentum of last week, while the former's talking wedding chapel (?!)

Barney Fife Voice: HUH?! ANDY, ER, CHRISTOPHER! CHRIS! HELP!

Meanwhile, Brad's expressing his happiness at being in a city that's a “great place to figure out relationships”.--And I'm goin', what in the devil did he just say? Vegas-relationships? Maybe if you're counting it as a one night relationship or something like that, but.....

While Brad's latest inane remark continues making my brain do the whirl, Mr B. delivers the first date card of the week, live and in person (Sponsored by IHOP...Come hungry, leave fatter)...and the winner for the sole one-on-one tete a tate of the week is.........Shawntel! Oh, Michelle opens the envelope and doesn't get it? Oh, darn...I feel so broke up for her....

Mots of the girls are like, “yay” and “cool” in response, but not Marissa who expresses concerned at the competition. BTW, She's my Lisa Edelstein (Dr. Cuddy on “House”) lookalike and another one of my top 10 picks for the season, which she made with flying colors.

Meeting time at a local mall arrives in the morn, with Shawntel looking na-na-na-nice (!) in her orange top, short white shorts, and gar-oovy earrings; honestly, I don't think she's looked more sexy. Before they can take in the unusual water filled display devices, Brad hands Shawntel a coveted piece of plastic to buy whatever she wants.

Wow. You got an extra one of those, partner? I'd really like to grab hold of that Beatles In Mono box before it goes out of print....

While I pray Brad will respond to my last inquiry, Shawntel keeps grabbing many a dress and shoes like there's a time limit in effect as nervous bean counters in The Bachelor budget office dab sweat off their brows. But hey guys and gals, as long as it doesn't keep Bachelor Pad from returning for a second season, lay off...For I'm diggin' the fashion show going on...and although she wasn't on my top 10 initial faves list, her personality is really starting to appeal to me, which in turn, makes her beautiful...which means, don't base everything on a head shot, guys...

Meanwhile back at the hotel, Michelle is getting intimate with the girls outwardly, but just as evil as the Wicked Queen in Snow White in those up close interviews (more 'I'm the only one” b.s.). Not long after, Shawntel arrives to get ready for her big night out, beaming like a little schoolgirl showing all the women her fabrics and bling from her Pretty Woman-esque shopping spree. For once, all the girls look a little jealous of her, with Marissa's going, hmmp(!)

But nobody does Hmmp(!) better than Miss Piggy, man...but she came a little close.

So, date time arrives for Brad and Shawntel, and what male wouldn't have had his Adam's apple throbbing at first glance at her in that terrific black dress she picked out (although I wished she would have let her hair down...or I would have done that myself...did I just type that? Like the Four Tops, “I can't help myself...”)

Then it was time for Shawntel to make small talk about her profession, and here's where things got a bit hairy with chemicals, blood and incisions, oh my! Jokes aside, I so feel for Shawntel's situation because of her profession, but to Brad's credit, he tried to be a good listener, but failed at avoiding winces

Bless Shawntel's heart; the looks of the guys over dinner dates must be priceless and painful...but it's such a funny experience to see Brad's post date interview laughter which seems very genuine and unstaged.--and the story of the cross eye peaches cat was hilarious. So despite the awkward moments, this evening turned out to be a good date for both of them...and once more with her winning smile and genuine nature, I can't believe Shawntel hasn't been taken, yet.

So is it any wonder she gets an early rose this week?

Rise and shine time as Jackie plays announcer to reveal the names on the group date card:

Jackie, Emily, Lisa, Marissa (smile, girl!), Alli, Chantal (there ya go!) Britt, Michelle (ugh).

But after all the lucky women are revealed, we realize that our two Ashley's are to face off in the one on one date...and one's going home. Ashley S. is emotionally riveted but Ashley H. is looking equally dejected...but not Michelle who can almost twirl her invisible mustache; her mood is happy as a significant competitor will be toast by tomorrow's end.

But there's drama enough ahead as we head to the race track...and once we get over the fact of how cool all the girls (and okay, Brad) look in their jumpsuits, our attention is centered on Emily. For those just getting into recaps like mine, her husband was tragically killed in a helicopter crash while on his way to do business at a race track in (sigh) Las Vegas.

She tries so hard to put on a brave face for Brad and the cameras, but it's not too long before emotional discomfort sets in, and Brad eventually notices instigating a one-on-one where he finds out another big secret.

Now, here's where I'd like to make a bit of a statement: Is there any way the producers could have come up with another scenario instead of putting this poor woman through an emotional hurdle that she's been dealing with for six years? For Pete's sake, you guys set up shop in the land of a thousand games (slot machines, cards, spinning wheels, dice etc).-Yet, instead, you make a sweeter than sweet lady break into tears, and Brad winds up feels like a jerk, which he shouldn't feel like at all.

Okay, I've gotten that off my chest...let's move on.

Emily and Brad talk in the grassy center of the track near the area where her husband's helicopter crashed six years earlier...and after their talk with her wish to continue with this so-called date, Emily couldn't have been more classier and braver. What made it even more bittersweet was she'd never been in a race care with her late husband by her side, and certainly never alone. So is it no surprise that she started getting teary eyed yet again, Claiming the first few laps are in memory of him and the last one is for her, only those in need of an emotional transplant can't help but feel for this sweet, loving woman...and if Brad doesn't pick her amongst his top two, of at least his top three I'll be very upset.

Pool time after an uncomfortable night out, and the feeling continues as Brad whisks Emily away once again...and I don't think the ladies are paying her Mother Teresa compliments tonight, especially Allie who kind of turns me off with her cold hearted attitude. But hey, Brad's evidently intrigued by Emily's ongoing revelations about her past...not to mention there's got to be a heck of a bikini under that peek-a-boo sides top she's wearing.

Okay, I'm a guy, alright! Younger days may be kapooey, but the excitable 18 year old who drops at a a mere hint at a female's charms will always be in my blood....and I hope I never lose that kind of gentlemanly wonder.

Poor Brad, he looks just as uncomfortable as he did at the racetrack, talking to a girl that's been single for six years, expressing her sadness at being alone, thanks to a lot of guys no really wanting to fill another man's shoes, a scenario Emily's sadly faced one too many time times, evidenced by her polite but firm “I'm ready for that to not be an issue” remark...

Now this leads me to an interesting point I'd like to debate with you guys. To me, Brad shouldn't feel uncomfortable at all, and I think his reaction to this situation displays a lack of confidence in himself...It's great that he feels uncomfortable at the situation, and I applaud his honesty, but he needs to realize he's his own man. No doubt, there's no way he can replace Emily's beloved late husband...but if the click is there, he can certainly be the man she chooses to “move on” with.

Serious convo time wraps, and our top 10 are doing whatever they can to get with their object of their affection, especially Chantal who's been concerning me with her neediness as of late,,not to mentioning the “L” word prematurely again (and I'm not talking lollipop) …

C-o-n-f-i-d-e-n-c-e, kids; it's a sexy thing....and as much as I despise Michelle and her scheming ways, I gotta state the truth, Ruth: The lady oozes confidence, plus more as I work toward the home stretch of this recap.

But first, Date Card numero three arrives, but it's two cards, two cards, two cards in one...One reads:

Come Swing with The King. Card Number Two: Two girls, one rose. One stays, one goes. - Chris

Wow, Mr. Harrison; you're becoming the Nipsey Russell of reality TV, brother...Google Nipsey, my younger readers for my fingers are getting tired.

Well, just as it looks as though clouds of serious are ready to make way for the midnight moon opening up the wet and flirty in everyone, here comes trouble a.k.a. Michelle doing what she does best: Taking Brad away...and soon after she has him dangling in her web yet again, he admits that “kissing her makes me forget everything that's going on”....and it brings up an interesting point. Is he only using her as a stress reliever, or does he really care about her emotionally?

That brings up another inquiry...Do you base your initial relationships on one's abilities with love, or should personality be the keys that eventually open those doors? I wholeheartedly embrace the latter and have a horrible experience in my past to prove it...A girl that lived for my kissing, but when I tried to get deep with her on other things like family, news, sports, and even music, no common ground was to be found...Granted, the lip to lip combat was great for a week, but to base a serious relationship upon?

No.

Dawn arises for one of the biggest days of the competition yet as our two Ashley's get ready to semi-duke out for Brad's ongoing affection..and if they don't have enough pressure on their pretty little heads, they've gotta play aerial artists by participating in the Elvis Cirque du Soleil show. Color me envious (thankyouverymuch); first dinner at the Hollywood Bowl, dinner atop the Capitol Tower, and now this?

 AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S FANTASY INTERLUDE!

Mike Fleiss, you must get in touch with me, sir! And if selected, I guarantee the most dramatic, controversial, shocking, finger licking good, extra crispy, saturated fat be damned season, EVER.  

...and if we can change the format for one season with 25 alumnae women selected from a list of 50 provided by me, that would ROCK!

Okay, this week's fantasy interlude is over...and back to our recap!

Date night comes...and I'm so rooting for Ashley S. and hoping for her to stay, not just because of her exuberant personality, but she's also one of my original top 10 picks..but sadly despite Brad's affections for her and the early promise that came in the form of an early impression rose, .and this is the first real hurt for me this year...but in addition to Brad saying she wasn't ready to be a wife, I think perhaps she was just too young for him in spirit, and perhaps too childlike to him But me? I like such things like that in a woman.

If I were Brad, I definitely would have taken Ashley S to at least the top 4 and maybe even the top three and beyond depending on chemistry. I will miss her sweet disposition, willowy hair and sweet voice.

Geez, Even Ashley H. looked glum...until Bradley comes back and plants a big old smackeroo on 'er...

Just in time to hit the stage for their Vegas debut and their big moment in the spotlight...while on the “lonely street” out of town, Ashley S' heartbreak continues as the concluding verse of Elvis' Are You Lonesome Tonight “brings the curtain down” on her relationship with Brad, forever.

Not surprisingly in the homestretch of the most tension filled week he's experienced yet, Brad calls his therapist back in L.A. -...and midway through the conversation from Brad's end as the therapist says: “Your mission is to find her”, which sends me into a fit of the giggles, because it sounds just like the British version of the pre-Mission: Impossible recordings always sent to Jim Phelps setting up the scenarios before the action starts...What can I say, childhood memories.

Anyway, Brad's therapist encourages him to be vulnerable adding that strength can come from such a quality...and that they can co-exist...and I completely agree..which brings up yet another “what if” scenario: If this conversation had transpired before the two on one date? I suspect Ashley H. might have gotten the limo ride home...interesting speculation topic to ponder, if anything.

Pre-Rose handout time arrives as everybody rushes Brad's way yet again, but as the number of women decreases, the more time he can spend with each of them (yay!) It also offers a little give and take time; Brad sweetly gives Alli a little dessert offering; Marissa gives him a little handmade card expressing her thoughts (I love things like that, myself)...and once again, Michelle just can't leave well enough alone, dragging Brad off into the nearest free room with a bed...and proceeds to close THE DOOR.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute....It's not the fantasy suite card time part of the so-called game yet, right? Then what is she DOING? And look at how she's doing this (Don't look, Ethel!)....Okay, everybody's keeping their clothes on, thankfully...and then Michelle softly implores while looking deeply into Brad's eyes, “These girls don't realize what they have here in front of them”....and as she proceeds to mount him like a mechanical bull at the nearest country bar, this 1960's like secret agent movie guitar lick comes up out of nowhere...Not once, but twice....and I begin hurting so bad at my stomach, because I'm laughing so hard as tears are flow out of my eyes...

Best unintentional Bachelor laugh....EVER...or perhaps not...As one who worked mainly behind the scenes for 25 years, shows like these have to be entertaining, even if you have to throw in the kitchen sink...AND the dishwasher...so no doubt in my mind that some brilliant composer had bells ringing in his head and thought, BINGO!-And I tip my hat off to him or her, if so.

But funny biz aside, I think the reason why Brad digs Michelle so much hit me tonight. I think he simply likes bad girls, pretty much in the same way women like bad boys, Oh, they say they prefer emotional guys that wear their heart on their sleeves, watch Julia Roberts movies over popcorn at the drop of a hat and buy them Luis Miguel albums for Valentine's Day.

No, they want modern day John Wayne's minus the politics, Charlie Sheen minus the drama (and powder, hopefully) and Justin Bieber a few years older (and hopefully with a better, grown up, 'do)

(Ladies (and Gentlemen), hit me via Twitter with your thoughts...)

FINAL ROSE TIME RESULTS (not counting Alli, Emily and Ashley H. already crowned)

IN: Michelle (not wasting any time getting in line), Alli (beaming), Britt (WTF; no camera time, but she is one I wouldn't let go either), Jackie (girl next door) & Chantal (YES!)

OUT: Marissa (Her card didn't work; take it the girls really liked her as they gather around her; Brad asked her to understand; she doesn't and takes it hard, leaving almost as quickly as he embraces her; and she lets it all come out...sad for her), Lisa (no spark at all with Brad, but a nice lady as well)_

So as I contemplate how beautiful Chantal, Emily and Britt are gonna look under a Costa Rica sun (I think I just gave you guys my top three), I bid you a happy week...and bookmark this page for the latest pop culture headlines/links, recaps of American Idol, SNL and The Bachelor, essays on classic music and films, and whatever else emerges from this eclectic mind... 

-J.R.

Jeffrey Rosado is a writer, perrformer, pop culture historian, and all around nice guy...until the bad guys (and girls) triumph in reality shows...and then he must undergo months of extensive therapy to even trust Chris Harrison again....

Follow Jeff on Twitter: marquee_man