Rosado's Recap: The Bachelor - The Cultute of Pop, DVD, Movie, TV, Pop Culture Review

Rosado's Recap: The Bachelor

Posted: Mon, 14 Feb 2011 23:29:46 PST

Season 15, Episode 7

7:00 pm-Anguilla! Bring on those steel drums, blue waters, white sandy beaches...and even you, Michelle.

 

Jeff: (trying to catch his breath)....Oh, man....Wow....All I can say is wow....

 

You know how The Bachelor used to milk the everloving dickens out of Chris Harrison's voice-overs calling rose ceremonies “dramatic”, “shocking” and “controversial” to the point of sheer hilarity?

Such transitions could have been re-introduced last night, and it not only would have been beyond appropriate, but truth in advertising. Episode 7 had more drama than a day long Days Of Our Lives marathon with more twists and turns than a roller coaster ride at the local amusement park,

For starters: Three one on one dates with no roses this time, and one single group date which will have a rose up for grabs...and Britt is salivating at the mouth to be a part of the former, since she's had the least amount of one-on-one time (but hey, two unforgettable kisses with Brad have certainly worked their magic in keeping her 'round).

But our food writer's gonna have to sit on her oven mitts for a while as Emily grabs first date honors in Anguilla...and it's a much needed pairing because despite their chemistry, there's still a heck of a lot of baggage they're both toting. After initial giddy as schoolkids excitement?! (Insert cricket sounds, here)

One again, Brad's bizarre Jekyll and Hyde-ish personality exerts itself again as he freezes like a kid hesitating to dissect a frog in biology class. Me, I'd be a chatty Cathy myself. But somehow, he gets it together and the first part of the daylong soiree goes well. For some odd reason, Brad thinks he's made a breakthrough, while in private Emily's still on the fence to let him meet her daughter should she wind up in the top 4.

As the moon and sun meet segueing into nightfall, Brad and Emily convene again with one of the first topics discussed is her sigh Brad recalled from earlier in response to his inquiry about wanting to meet her daughter Ricki. But Emily's an understandably overprotective Mom who's never introduced her daughter to any of her past boyfriends. Brad thinks it would be huge if she'd change her mind.

My worst fear at this point: Is this going to be a thorn in Brad's side? Is Emily taking herself out of the race with her resistance? Hope not. It'd be awful if Michelle got into the top 4 because of this emotional barrier.. I also agree heartily with Brad's thoughts...it's hard to develop feelings for someone whose child you haven't met. Despite this shortcoming, Brad offers the first of many surprises throughout the episode: Breaking usual protocol, he promises a rose to Emily. Not surprisingly, Brad's falling very hard for her evidenced by a tender, romantic kiss as the water rushes onto their feet in the surf.

Shawntel N. has a very difficult feat to follow with the added pressure of being in the public eye during her one-on-one with Brad. More importantly, will Brad get himself into a quandary by promising her a rose as well? If so, it's a French (comedy) farce! In Anguilla, that is...

Anyway, as the two bike ride into the downtown area, it becomes evident why Brad has been keeping her around. She's not a classic beauty, but her personality and down to earth nature makes her beautiful, and it's so delightful to see her loosening up and not being so stiff (no mortuary jokes, please).

Which brings up a point: How do Bachelors/Bachelorettes in the center of attention handle days like these, following an incredible date from hours earlier only to be swept up in the middle of an even better one. Now, despite her incredible, relaxed personality, Shawntel's only told two guys in her life that she loves them...and she's scared too, for she is falling for Brad as well...and the feeling's becoming more mutual during the evening time of the date when the two discuss the polar opposite relationships they've had with their fathers; Shawntel being a real daddy's gal, while Brad's had no contact with his father since the age of 4.

Such moments of comfort really cement friendship and ease, qualities that are very important to Brad, who's having such an awesome time, not even the rain could dampen his enthusiasm. Local legend Bankie Bank comes to perform an intimate concert for the two who conclude their evening by stripping down to their swimsuits for a little splashing and a lot of suck-facing.

Oh, to have seen more of Shawntel's stunning metallic-ish two piece along with a beguiling tattoo on her back.

Okay, I confess. A little body art is a bit of a turn on...but none of this Jesse James fiancee stuff. Yuck. Hand me an eraser.

Back at the girl's pad, Britt finally gets her wish for some alone time with Brad courtesy of a yacht foray to an intimate little area called Little Bay. Earning bonus points from the get go by cliff jumping into the water after initial fear, the stage looks set for another incredible day of romance to cloud Brad's mind even further.

But night brings more conversation and sadly, rejection...for just like Alli a week ago, Brad can't see a future with Britt...and so begins a dingy ride and a sad, long walk back for the willowy blonde, made even more painful to the unknowing girls pushing for details of a night of romance that never happened...and in addition to losing a beloved friend, the harsh realities of more heartbreak to come as the quotient of bachelorettes grows smaller and smaller start to kick in..

Group date day arrives, or shall I say group date night, as Brad's lucky picks are awoken for their big day which happens in the “dawn” according to the last date card...But it's no ordinary day on the beach for Brad and his angels for the day (Ashley, Chantal and Michelle) are going to be swimsuit models in a special section of Sports Illustrated annual swimsuit issue (coming out as you're reading this; on February 15^th).

After initial butterflies, what should be a fun, learning on the job kind of thrill turns a little bizarre as Ashley gets a little too comfortable with a pair of nicely placed shells for some of her shots (Austin Power's Elizabeth Hurley must be so proud)...and then my fave of the bunch decides to up the ante by going partially commando, taking her top off with no shame whatsoever, lying seductively in the sand and looking like a pro instead of a beginner.

But ever the villain, Michelle just has to go over the top, literally and figuratively, using those magic lips on Brad, straddling him once more in her web of domination...and horror of horrors, for once, I'm kind of turned on by her.

(Insert Darth Vader music here)

HELP! STOP! I'm a Chantal man!, I'm a Chantal man! Lend me the force, Luke!

Oh thank God, it's over....it's over......

Whew, anyway...while my tongue in cheek drama is over from the comfort of my couch, Brad's is only beginning as the longest afternoon (and evening) of his life beginneth.

All three girls go alternately hot and cold; Ashley's bopping up and down, says Brad is “scaring her”, and that's she's (unconvincingly) “feeling great” and I'm going get that girl a Valium! Stat! But incredibly, she's the one who gets the rose of the day, which really surprised me; one would think Michelle would have been the beneficiary with her wicked charms, or Chantal given her closeness to Brad via many intimate dates.

Speaking of Chantal, who's trying to look so cool under pressure, she eventually has a hell of a meltdown to puffy face proportions that she looks like she's gonna need some sort of shot to offset swelling. Additionally, her entire body looks like it's gonna tank, making me wonder if her extreme vulnerability is gonna make her a goner along with making her sick.

Brad tries to console her by saying she's nowhere near being out of the running. In response, Chantal not only pulls her hand away from him, she doesn't do a very good job of saying “I'm okay” in response to his inquiries...and as she walks away to seek solace in the sand and water, the editors cut back to Brad looking like he wants to be anywhere but Anguilla. 

Seat belts still buckled? Keep 'em that way for the duration, subscribers.

In a real shocker, Brad talks to Chris before the cocktail party and says his mind's made up; he doesn't feel the need for last minute campaigning...and one can't blame him after the afternoon he's been through, thus gallows pole time commences with all the girls pretty much shell shocked (save for Emily who secretly knows her fate) as they depart for the beach, while Brad does his silent James Dean mode for the cameras as transition video (and additional eye candy for you ladies out there).

Thoughts on each rose recipient:

Emily-Although it will be interesting to see how Brad connects with her daughter Ricki, the undeniable chemistry between these two continues to simmer week by week and it may very well explode in two weeks.

Shawntel-Another serious contender who gets more and more likeable week by week, but will her profession freak Brad out next week? Not to mention potential fears of what she could do the him should he misbehave?

...and now, it's down to Chantal and Michelle...and given the puppeteers behind the scenes who call the shots, along with Brad's sometimes quirky choices, and Michelle's unexplainable hold on him, it looks like Ms. O's time is up....and then Brad speaks his choice....

Chantal!

Wow!!! I yelled out loud; God as my witness. Honestly, I was in such a state of shock, I couldn't say anything for a minute. But I sure was grinning from ear to ear like a Cheshire cat. Chantal looks equally stunned and exhausted...it probably didn't hit her until she had some alone time to jump. actually yelled out loud...But hats off to Brad for FINALLY realizing the difference between love and lust...for it's always the former that makes a relationship work for keeps.

Meanwhile, our departing villain is in no mood to talk...for once....and in a bit of dialogue that resembles the script of an early Clint Eastwood movie, here's the extent of Brad and Michelle's final conversation:

Brad: Do you wanna talk?

Michelle: No.

Brad: Bye.

Car Door: Shut.

Even more striking? No dialogue whatsoever from Michelle who lies down in the back seat. No tears. No emotion. Polar opposite of her arrival, coming in like a lion, but departing like a lamb...or a more apt description might be a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Use your best judgment, single men. 

...and that my Bachelor devoted friends, is the end...until next week. Drained is an understatement.

 

-J.R.

  

Jeffrey Rosado is a pop culture historian, writer, performer, and all around nice guy...who's just too damn tired to write a witty retort to this blurb for one after such an intense Bachelor episode. 

Thanks, Mike Fleiss....I think.

  

Follow Jeff on Twitter: marquee_man